To the girl who lost her appetite for life because her heart broke.
you knew it was coming
or maybe you didn’t
either way it hits you
the moment you said,
please choose me
and he said
you fall to the floor
your heart shatters
tears flood your eyes
and this emptiness fills your stomach
a darkness fills your insides
it has crept in your bones
from the tip of your toes
to the top of your head
and everything feels dead
you can’t move a muscle without tears pouring out
you feel lifeless
you feel like you can barely catch a breath
and all you can do is cry
wishing that he’d just pick up the phone
and change his mind
realizing that you loved him
but he doesn’t
and you begin to realize that he never actually loved you
I’ve been there. Trust me. I’ve been there in my closet. I’ve been there on my bathroom floor. (i wrote a poem about it in my book, four sweet seasons). I’ve been there in the kitchen. I’ve been there in my car. I’ve been there at work. I’ve been there in a crowded room. I’ve been there too many times, because after all I think it takes time after time for your heart to stop breaking over the pain of him not choosing you.
I’ve been there.
Losing your appetite for life
for a better future.
It’s easy to do when your insides feel like they’ve been ripped from you and shredded to pieces.
It’s easy to lose your appetite for life, when someone spends far too long starving you of the love you deserve.
I was there – truth? I lost a lot of weight because I didn’t eat for a month. My diet consisted of water and wine. Which caused so many problems for me over the last year. I couldn’t eat the things I loved anymore without feeling sick. I lost my love for taking care of myself. As every piece of my heart shattered, – I lost parts of who I was and what I loved simply because my heart was too broken for anything else, but pain.
I lost it and I didn’t know how I’d get it back. More than anything I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be full of joy. I wanted to know what it meant to be loved by Jesus. I wanted to be loved. I wanted him to come back. I wanted him to stay away. I wanted to eat again. I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to travel and never come home. I wanted to be okay and I just didn’t feel that way.
I went through so much, but because of it –
I learned what it means to truly lose your appetite for life and how to get it back. Which is why I’m writing this, for whoever is finding themselves in the position I once was because I could have used these words when I was where you are and I just want you to know that I get it….
You go through something so awful
and you think it’ll never be the same
and you’re right, it won’t
because God’s got something better
that emptiness in your stomach won’t always be there
you’ll begin to be hungry again
he won’t always ruin the ice cream for you
he won’t always be the main character in your story
he won’t always cause you to cry in the middle of the day
because the more you spend time with the One who created you
the more you’ll start to get your hunger back for all of the things
that you were created to crave to begin with
it won’t be all at once
it will probably come and go
but when you’re doing life with your Savior
every surrendered step with Him
is one step closer to getting your appetite back
you’ll be able to eat again, i promise
you’ll be able to enjoy everything that you forgot you even loved
because for far too long
you were pouring your love out
to someone who took it for granted
you’ll get it back and so much more
it’ll take some time
as all good things do
but every day is one step closer
to the hunger returning
and when it does
you’ll wonder why on earth you were starving yourself over that boys limited selfish love
when you always had your Makers unlimited, selfless supply of it right in front of you.