I don’t know where you’re finding yourself in the beginning of this holiday season.
Maybe you’re feeling on top of the world, full of so much happy you can barely handle it.
Maybe you’re feeling lower than you have in your whole life and the pieces of your heart are in a million pieces and each one is so heavy you don’t even know where to begin to put them back together.
Like when you walk into a room full of people, your heart can’t help but tighten in your chest, your brain – just for a moment – stands still, almost paralyzing you in your tracks. The air from your lungs escapes and you can’t remember how to take your next breath. You can’t think of anything but wanting to get out. There’s too many people. As everyone around you is smiling and laughing, the hurt in your head increases , the heaviness in your heart becomes too much – your feet can no longer hold the weight and it pours out of your eyes in tears that you never asked for. As you watch everyone around you smiling, so happy – you just feel so empty, unwanted, and alone as you begin to feel like your drowning.
I understand. I spent last holiday season that way. In fact, it was worse – much worse. This season, I’m far from where I use to be, but not where I want to be either. It still hurts, doesn’t it always? The ache of the holidays when you’re no longer spending it with the person you thought you had forever with – I understand because I’ve been right there next to you – in that crowded room, feeling completely overwhelmed and hurt that the holidays this year ended up this way, this incredibly hard, gut wrenching, I’m going to have to face what I’m feeling and it really hurts type of holiday season.
You never ask for pain.
You never ask for heartbreak.
You never ask for someone to give up on you.
You fall in love and forget the rest.
And then – girls like you– you stay in love and somewhere along the line, he forgets to love you back.
I get it – I do and if any of this sounds too familiar – I’m so sorry your heart is experiencing it. You don’t deserve it and I can’t tell you why God allows it to happen and I can’t tell you why he quit loving you, but I can tell you one thing – GOD IS FAITHFUL – even in the midst of a really hard holiday season.
And I can only tell you that because of where I’ve come from. I was quit on last year around this time. Simply put, I was not worth the time for someone who I poured my heart out for, for years. So I understand the hurt – the ache – the loneliness when everyone around you in having a good time and you’re sitting there, wondering if you’ll ever smile like that again. Wondering how in the world you got where you’re at. You dread any family event this season because you’ll just be reminded that he’s not there and you were not worth it to him.
I understand – but here’s the thing – it’s just a season.
I promise. Literally, there’s a reason they call it a “holiday season.” It’s a SEASON in which your heart will truly be tested and bruised again and again and again until it’s over and then when it is – you will look back and realize that you made it out on the other side and you are okay. You may be so tired that you can’t even think straight. You may not ever want to see another holiday season come around again– but you’ll be on the other side, having made it through.
I wish I had the perfect advice as to how to get through the holidays with a heavy heart full of pain, but I don’t – all I have is my story that God’s given me and all I know as I look back on last holiday season as we head into this one – He’s been faithful to get me here and I’m so much better than I was last year and that is enough for me.
Right here, right now – that is enough. Things are not perfect. Holidays are hard after you choose for so many years to spend them with someone that you thought would always choose you. It’s just hard, but His faithfulness to bring you through those really rough seasons exsists – I promise. His love for you has no limit, He sees you, He hears you, He knows how you feel and it breaks His heart too. He just wants to be with you in those times. He wants you to run to Him and His word to comfort you when you nearly feel like you’re heart is going to break all over again when you sit down at the table to eat and he’s not there anymore.
He wants you to run to Him and I promise if you do, His faithfulness to get you through that ache will prevail – it will because last year I did it myself.
True story, last Christmas was quite possibly the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t go 15 minutes without tears welling up in my eyes. I was so broken I couldn’t stand to even be around my family. I spent the entire night in my room, crying till my eyes had no more tears to give. I opened my Bible that night and called upon the Lord in the most real way that I ever had. I felt so broken and I needed Him more than ever – just to breathe. He told me He’d be faithful to get me through it and He did because I’m here now writing this to you – filled with a joy that cannot be shaken and as I sit here on Thanksgiving Day 2017, I can’t help but be so thankful for His faithfulness to me through that season and I pray that you find that hope too – no matter where you’re at this holiday season – He is there and will always be, He’s just one conversation away.
Love you all so much,