I don’t even know where to begin. Truth is, I’ve been here before. Too many times and I’ve failed at it. So I quit for awhile. I quit on a lot of things for awhile. I quit loving myself. I quit on Jesus. I quit trusting Him. I quit on hoping there was something better. I simply quit on everything for far too long because all I cared about was trying to love someone who quit loving me.
I don’t know if you know my story. I don’t know if this is the first thing you’ve ever read of mine. I don’t know if this is something you’ve been waiting for me to start again. Either way – I’m so happy you are here and I’m even happier that Jesus never quit on me because I wouldn’t be here without Him.
Many of you have told me your stories and my heart breaks for you in the realest way and I hope you know how loved you truly are by your Creator. That’s all I want for you to remember – if anything, that you are LOVED and He wants to love you for real.
Honestly, I’ve had so many ideas about what to write this first blog post about – I know you guys want me to write about finding your purpose and mending a broken heart and talk about the juice cleanse/spiritual fast I just did. While also God has given me a series to start as well because of the response I’ve been getting on my instagram stories (@ashlin.veselka) to the writing that I share specicifally on there.
SO with all of that said.
I just want to take this first post to introduce myself a little and give you some background as to why I write about love and why I love Jesus so much etc.
I won’t go into my entire story, one day maybe – but I’d rather speak about it than write it. Right now we’ll just summarize it, sound good?
Basically I gave my life to Christ when I was 18. I grew up catholic not ever knowing anything about having a relationship with Jesus. When I was 18 I met someone who showed me what that looked like just by loving me. I was born with a rare genetic heart disease and I’ve had 8 heart surgeries since I was 13. It’s progressive, but God is so much bigger than any disease and because I’m a health nut – I’m convinced He’s going to use it for a bigger reason than I think while also keeping me healthy enough to do it- So, I’m sick – but like healthy. Totally doesn’t make sense, but nothing with Jesus really does – sooo it kind of works you know?
The someone I met who showed me what a relationship with Jesus looked like ended up being my boyfriend for the next 6 years.
Long story short – for four and half years we dated, fell in love, grew closer to Jesus, grew closer to each other, dreamed dreams together, planted roots without fear etc.
For the last year and a half – basically to make it plain and simple – I loved him with everything I had while he loved the money/fame/success/drugs. He turned into a completely different person and pushed me to the edge until I had no other choice, but to jump.
I had to walk away because he was too much of a coward to do it himself. I tried for far too long to convince him that he needed to change. That what this world was selling wasn’t worth the cost, but he didn’t want to listen.
I stayed for far too long than I should have.
But when you love someone from day one
When you know who someone really is behind the scenes,
it makes it hard to give up on them.
Because you’ve seen the good side
you’ve seen who Jesus made them to be
so it’s hard to give up when you believe that you could be the one to resurface it.
All the while though,
it’s even harder to give up when they’re so far from that person
when they’ve completely turned into everything they promised you they’de never be.
they breathe for control
they thrive on maniupulation
they live on a high that can only be reached by drugs and money
and when they get low they do anything in their power to numb the pain
no matter if that means hurting you along the way.
It’s sad what happens when the enemy gets ahold of a good heart
It’s hard watching someone who once loved you for years, just stop because he can’t face what’s really going on inside.
I stayed until I was forced to jump.
Jump into the unknown, the day after my 24th birthday.
Since that day – I’ve never gone back.
Girls all the time sit in awe when I tell them that.
That I truly never went back to him.
I guess the Holy Spirit within me was a lot stronger than I thought.
When I left, it didn’t feel that way at first.
My insides literally felt like they were being torn to pieces. My entire life got turned upside down in the matter of a few texts.
Something inside me though just knew that there was more. I had spent too long loving someone who stopped loving me back and I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew the crying every single day wasn’t normal. I knew how he talked down to me wasn’t okay. I knew the conversations I’d have in the shower in my head were not healthy. I knew how he held money over my head wasn’t right. I knew how he used my body for his need for control was not what I deserved. I knew it and as the days past right after the initial break – I reminded myself of those things and kept my eyes focused on Jesus.
That’s really the only way I was able to stay away for good. To break free from the torment and games he’d play.
It all mattered where my eyes were fixed and as much as it hurt to be without him, it hurt way more to be with him and I knew if that was the case – I couldn’t go back.
It’s almost been a year since and if you’ve been following along on instagram you know I’ve had kind of a crazy year, but it’s brought me here and there’s no other place I’d rather be.
I fell in love with my Creator for real and let His love define my worth, my value, my happiness. I travelled around the world and back. I wrote a book (all about the breakup/healing), I had major heart surgery, I gained the best community I have always dreamed about having, I got connected within my church home at Red Rocks (if you’re ever in CO – it’s a MUST go), I started loving myself for real and finding out that I’m way more capable of doing things that I never dreamed possible. As I’ve done all of these things – my heart and eyes have been opened to so much more than I was settling for. God has completely healed my heart, mind, body, & soul – quite literally from the inside out. He’s revealed so much to me in the last 12 months that I could have never seen had I stayed in that toxic place. The ending of that 6 year relationship was really just God’s beginning for me and I can see that now more than ever.
The only way I’m here today – filled with so much joy and happy is because of His faithfulness to me. I knew I had to go – He said there was a better life and here I am truly living my best life. Able to share my advice and my heart for those who are in the midst of any heart break and as hard as it is – i wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sure I wish me leaving would have had an impact on him, I wish my absence would have made a difference, I wish me not being there made him realize that he was messing up and that he wanted to be better. I wished for those things – but they never happened and because of that I’m stronger. I wished it was different, but it’s not and is life perfect for me now?
Far from it.
Truth? I still have some bad days, could you blame me?
After all, I loved someone for so long who ended up treating me like their dog instead of a daughter of the King. It’s hard – it’s really hard so believe me when I write what I write- it’s coming from a place of raw truth because I’ve been there. The only reason I write what I do and will start blogging again is because I know I’m not alone and when I was going through some of the worst months of my life this year – I would have given anything for someone to speak life into me, to speak truth to my feelings, and to point me to Jesus. So that’s what I’m here to do – to create and share my life and my heart with you guys in hopes that helps your heart and points you back to Jesus.
I’m not a perfect human. I’m so far from it.
But I’m also a human who is willing to be open.
Writing comes easy to me because God gave me this gift.
It’s not me.
It’s all Him.
It’s all that matters to me.
So I hope you’ll be encouraged by my posts here.
Thank you again, as always for following along.
If anything I know God is just getting started and I’m so happy you’re here to be apart of the journey.
Love you all so much.